Olympic Endorsements

Now that the Olympics have come to a close, athletes will undoubtedly sign endorsements deals that will reflect their accomplishments in the Olympics.  Much like Forrest Gump's endorsement of the ping pong paddle he had never used, a long list of improbable matches will likely surface in the next few weeks. 

Usain Bolt will be the face of 5G.  

Lolo Jones, who cried like a baby on the 'Today' show, may be the new spokeswoman for Gerber.  

Nick Delpopolo, who tested positive for pot, will probably be on the next box of Weedies.

Michael Phelps will endorse Florida as a great place for retirement.  Phelps will then be endorsed by Brett Farve when he contemplates competing in Rio de Janeiro.

But the endorsement that all 10,500 athletes in London are sure to be vying for is Durex.  Durex is the official and exclusive condom supplier of Olympic Village, the dorms that the athletes have exclusive access to.  The 150,000 condoms supplied are expected to be about right for the two weeks that the Olympic Village is inhabited.  

Assuming that all the athletes are staying for the entire two weeks of the Olympics, that age means nothing, that Lolo Jones got married the day of the opening ceremonies, that there is no fear of being stoned, that there are no lesbians, and that there are a lot of brave soldiers, each athlete will be using two condoms a day.  And that calculation doesn't include the contraband contraception that found its way into the dorms.  Turns out that the sneaky condoms weren't Trojan, but Kangaroo condoms for the "gland down under".  

So the real question is, who will be the face of Durex?  Ryan Lochte may be the most logical choice.  It would only make sense that his swimmers could swim as well.  And it appears that his mother is leading his campaign efforts as she has bragged about his one night stands.  Plus he wears rubber on his head.  

Simon Grotelühen, the gold medalist sailor from Germany, wouldn't be a bad choice either.  He has proven to be a natural seaman.  

Renaud Lavillenie is the gold medalist in pole vaulting.  He has shown stellar control of his pole throughout the competition. 

Hope Solo may not have a appropriate name for Olympic bed hopping, but she has become the face of the cesspool as she has stated that she looks forward to life of free love in the hippie commune.

So while all the athletes are competing and picking up endorsements, the only thing that the games will validate is that all the athletes are whores.  Here is your next class of role models.

Tiger Woods: smart genius, or smartest genius?

With the news that has been hovering around Tiger Woods and his several extra-marital affairs, much talk in the news surrounding Tiger Woods has revolved around his endorsements. While most have only mentioned his foolishness in squandering his multimillion dollar marketing campaigns, they have also failed to realize that Tiger Woods is a brilliant marketing genius.

In a recession, everyone figures out new ways to cut costs. Gatorade already had plans of dumping the expensive Tiger brand. General Motors dumped Tiger Woods months ago. If the recession turns into the feared double-dip recession, it will only mean one thing, Tiger Woods and endorsements will be extinct.

I did mention brilliant marketing genius didn’t I?

During a recession, statistics show that people are generally more happy with life. How is that possible when there is more financial stress and work related stress? The answer is that people generally have more sex during times of economic recession and depression.

This phenomenon has me wondering if Tiger Woods may simply be saying “goodbye” to Accenture, Nike, and Gillette in order to say hello to the likes of Trojan, NuvaRing, and Yaz.

Since the consumer is also looking for ways to cut costs, postponing families are a logical route. So is his downfall really a result of his stupidity, or is it a play on the economic future of the country?