Authentic Pride, or Fabricated Pride?

1932 was the last time the United States won the medal count at a Winter Olympics. Coincidentally, it was the only time the United States had ever led the final medal count. This seemingly appalling statistic has led the U.S.A. to the drawing board to find a solution.

There were two possibilities over the last 78 years that would provide the U.S.A. a chance to get back to the top. First, we could just get better at the current Olympic events. This would require a little bit of training, practicing, skill, and talent. Seems like too much work for me.

So then the U.S.A. took a look at option number two. If we introduce a bunch of new events into the Winter Olympics before the other countries can get good at them, we have a chance at winning more metals. The results have been nothing less than spectacular.

Sort of.

Basketball became an Olympic event years ago, and who won gold every year? That is until, well I won’t go there. Softball was dominated by us, that is until, we won’t go there.

So for the winter Olympics, we make snowboard half-pipe an event, and we dominate—only until Shaun White calls it quits. Then we have to come up with some new event that the rest of the world has never heard of.

The way I see it, a century from now, there will be almost as many events as the population of Indonesia, hardly making the achievement of being there admirable.

My solution is to filter out the unnecessary events through a logical approach.

First of all, eliminate all events that are based on the opinions of the judges. Goodbye figure skating, ice dancing, gymnastics, moguls, diving, synchronized diving, synchronized swimming, and the list goes on. Why? It just opens the door for controversy. Ask Evgeni Plushenko.

Second of all, eliminate sports. Sounds absurd until you understand the difference between sport and game. The simplest way to define the difference is that you physically play defense in a sport. Football is one third defense. Basketball, though debatable, plays defense. Soccer, hockey, field hockey, and just about all those other team sports that are awarded a metal for preventing the other competitors from maximizing their talent should be eliminated.

These are the Olympic Games. These individuals are here to showcase their talents, skills, and hard work, not prevent others from doing so.

Inspired to fail

If any of my readers are at all like me, you may be tired of all the inspirational sports movies that Hollywood has barraged us with in recent years. To be completely honest, I haven’t watched “Blindside”, “Rudy”, or “Hoosiers”, but I have seen “Remember the Titans” and “Coach Carter”. It just seems to me that there are only so many inspirational story lines to go around before you’ve seen it all.

In the aftermath of Super Bowl XLIV, I can’t but help to imagine the movie that is going to come out in five years about New Orleans and the ensuing “Seabiscuit” story line that will dupe us into thinking that New Orleans is a great American city. That’s right, it’s only a matter of time before “Invictus II: XLIV” comes to a big screen near you.

And how much inspiration have these movies actually garnered in the lives of the people who view them? After watching “Miracle”, I played racquetball against a much better opponent and still got slaughtered.

After watching “Cool Runnings”, I lost by almost two minutes in the 400 meter hurdles.

Before a golf tournament, I watched Tiger Woods’ top 10 shots of his career in an effort to at least help myself think that I had a chance at not coming in last place. The result, 2nd to last place by 2 strokes.

I was set up to fail by the empty inspiration that Hollywood fed to my already sunken morale. It’s just a matter of time before this instant classic does the same for you.

Tiger Woods: smart genius, or smartest genius?

With the news that has been hovering around Tiger Woods and his several extra-marital affairs, much talk in the news surrounding Tiger Woods has revolved around his endorsements. While most have only mentioned his foolishness in squandering his multimillion dollar marketing campaigns, they have also failed to realize that Tiger Woods is a brilliant marketing genius.

In a recession, everyone figures out new ways to cut costs. Gatorade already had plans of dumping the expensive Tiger brand. General Motors dumped Tiger Woods months ago. If the recession turns into the feared double-dip recession, it will only mean one thing, Tiger Woods and endorsements will be extinct.

I did mention brilliant marketing genius didn’t I?

During a recession, statistics show that people are generally more happy with life. How is that possible when there is more financial stress and work related stress? The answer is that people generally have more sex during times of economic recession and depression.

This phenomenon has me wondering if Tiger Woods may simply be saying “goodbye” to Accenture, Nike, and Gillette in order to say hello to the likes of Trojan, NuvaRing, and Yaz.

Since the consumer is also looking for ways to cut costs, postponing families are a logical route. So is his downfall really a result of his stupidity, or is it a play on the economic future of the country?

Poor class, middle class, rich class, and the fourth class

How many of you have had the opportunity to observe someone who is part of the ever-growing dolt class? People of this class is sprinkled throughout each of the social classes, but eventually become permanent fixtures of the poor class because of their own self-stupidity. In all likelihood, you know someone who is reaping the benefits of their own foolishness, or you know someone who is in that process.

The dolt class is the guy who rides his bike to the convenient store everyday to buy a lottery ticket because he can’t afford to buy a car.

The dolt class is the guy who goes from riches to rags, then back to riches, then back to rags. Donald Trump.

The dolt class is the person who pulls out all their money from investments to retire early and buys a bunch of overpriced wasteland in Southern Utah, then tries to resell it for the same price in the middle of a recession.

The dolt class may or may not count their pennies, but where the pennies go after that is unknown.

The dolt class somehow got a job, but that paycheck was spent four months ago.

The dolt class isn’t necessarily a victim of their monetary maladroit, but rather their logical ineptitude.

One poor judgment doesn’t enshrine one into this prestigious class, but a series of ill-advised decisions simply immortalize this class’s distinctiveness.

These are the rich that fail to get richer, and the poor that get poorer.

These are the eight out of 10 NFL players who go broke within two years of retirement.

These are the people who buy season tickets to see the Mariners, yet complain about the overpaid baseball players.

These are the people who prevent this country from being the wealthiest and most productive country in the world.

These are the people who, upon reading this, tell themselves that they aren’t a part of this social stratum, then play World of Warcraft for the next 10 hours.

In essence, if financial progression is not numbered with your personal objectives, you are probably a part of this ever self-oppressed society called the dolt class.

Obama = survival of the unfit

In a world in which “survival of the fittest” has been the underlying principle and reason for success, failure, and living, Obama’s plans and policies have made an attempt to defy the age-old principle that has built this world. He’s attempting to revamp the phrase to “survival of the fit, unfit, and those that can’t fit”. Will they work? Absolutely not. Here’s why.

Many people compare Obama to Robin Hood because he is trying to make things better for the poor at the expense of the rich. Obama’s health care plan not only benefits the poor at the expense of the rich, but it also helps the alien, legal as well as illegal. Last time I watched Robin Hood, he didn’t help any Mexicans.

The Mexicans come up here because the potential for quality of life is better, given the better health care system, better farms, and better trailers. Now offer them money to buy a trailer, and free health care, we will soon become overrun with Mexico’s unwanted.

The only option for the proud citizens of the United States would be to head north, where not everyone benefits from less than stellar health care, and taxes would only be about 45%. Too good to be true. This is truly where only the fit survive.

If you are going to attempt to create a socialist environment without screwing everything up, you must first become illegal, like Robin Hood. Perhaps Obama fits that mold since I’m sure his income exceeds the qualifications to live in government housing. You know he’s cheating the system somehow.

If you want the support of your citizens, you’ll have to sacrifice the support of the Mexicans. Just build a giant wall like they have in China. As Colbert once said, you don’t see any Mexicans in China. Send the illegals back home. This will open up jobs on farms and for landscapers that 9.5% of the population would appreciate.

As of right now, the only thing preventing socialism from taking full affect is the rich class. These wealthy, educated people don’t want their money taken away, nor the means by which it was accomplished. The only way around it is to not tax them. This means the middle class is going to be taxed to support the poor. Will this idea prove to be kosher with the middle class? Why not? Most of them hove no idea where their money is going. They just work and pay bills.

The only way socialism would work right now is by letting the rich play their survival of the fittest game, while allowing the poor and middle class to merely survive.

dog's life>human life?

With the recent suspension of Donte’ Stallworth, I began to think about all the suspensions that have taken place over the past couple years in the NFL. Since Roger Goodell has taken over as the commissioner of the NFL, he has handed out suspensions like a pharmacist hands out drugs, and with good reason. I don’t believe that manslaughter should go unpunished. However, I do feel that some of these suspensions are out of whack.

Michael Vick has been a hot topic lately as he is returning to the NFL after a two-year suspension. As if that wasn’t long enough, he is suspended for another six games to begin this season. All he did was kill dogs. Donte’ Stallworth plead guilty to vehicular manslaughter, and is only suspended for one season. If the penalty were proportionate to the crime, Roger Goodell’s punishment is saying, “tis better for man to die than man’s best friend”.

His suspension of Marshawn Lynch raised an eyebrow of mine. As a Buffalo Bills fan, I expected nothing less than a four game suspension just to stay in line with all the other suspensions that Roger has handed out for minor infractions. His three game suspension for carrying an unlicensed handgun made me wonder how much of it has to do with his partiality towards the Buffalo Bills. Roger Goodell is from western New York and the Bills need every advantage they can get in order to have a chance at the playoffs. Could this be a show of mercy on the part of the commissioner?

Plaxico Burress has made headlines of his own during this off-season. In a New York City night club, he supposedly dropped his gun, and while in mid-air, somehow went off and shot his leg. From what I’ve read, it sounds as if it was a Glock 23. Glocks are illegal to carry in New York whether you have a concealed weapons license or not. If you know nothing about Glocks, all you need to know is that the only safety that the handgun has is a trigger safety, which means the gun will not fire unless your finger is actually pulling the trigger. This leads me to believe that there is more to the story than a fumbled handgun.

Following the accident, his teammate, Antonio Pierce, took him to the hospital where he provided false information as to their names and how it happened. Under most circumstances, this would be considered a felony. Despite all this, Plaxico and Antonio have not been disciplined by the NFL. The message being sent, “if you are going to carry an illegal firearm, use it”.

Perhaps Roger Goodell is just a Giants fan.

While I admire that Roger Goodell has taken a more proactive approach to ensure that the NFL maintains a clean image than Paul Tagliabue, I’m afraid that his efforts just aren’t enough. You can take the gangster out of the slum, but you can’t take the slum out of the gangster. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, so you kill it. Just ask Michael Vick. If someone has a history, give them one chance.

In a sport in which the players are idolized by the future of this world, the last people that should receive such glory are criminals that never learn.

Stupid People Should Never Breed

In Arkansas, Lavonne Drummond posted one of the more unusual auctions on ebay, the right to name her unborn child. Due in September, she is hoping to raise $25,000. It sounds like an awesome plan to raise money until you hear the rest of the story. This story has a lot of people upset simply because she is exploiting her unborn child, but I see a myriad of other inconsistencies with her story that should piss even more people off.

Lavonne is the mother of six at the age of 36. Her oldest is 19, which means she got pregnant in high school. Chances of her actually finishing high school? Slim. Her husband is a Navy sailor stationed in Virginia and he apparently doesn’t even know about this entrepreneurial opportunity yet.

She posted this auction because she says in an economy like this, and with that many children, day care is too expensive. If I had a 19, 16, and 14 year old, I would have plenty of day care options. As the oldest of four, I was the first option for my parents as soon as I turned 12.

Her gayvy Navy sailor’s income isn’t enough apparently. It was enough for the two of them and their six children, but now that he’s gone, with one less mouth to feed, it’s not enough. Makes perfect sense to me.

On top of that, with his low income, I’m sure they qualify for Medicaid, and his military benefits mean that they will pay close to nothing for the birthing process. That $25,000 will be tax free, and technically doesn’t count as income, so it wouldn’t affect her status with food stamps and all her other welfare fountains.

With the $25,000 that she raises, her plan is to buy a new “trustworthy” car. Are you kidding me? Child exploitation for a new car? Any car that you buy brand new doesn’t qualify as trustworthy in my book.

With that $25,000, her first purchase should be birth control. For stupid people, seven children are seven too many. Stupid people shouldn’t breed.

She says that she enrolled at South Arkansas Community College where she hopes to get a degree in radiology. If she can’t afford child care for a 19, 16, 14, 3, 2, and 1 year old while working, how does she expect to be able to pay for their day care while in school? With the $25,000? That went to a car. How’s she paying for college, with her kid’s lunch money?

If a couple gets married, how difficult is it to manage their income? How difficult is it to decide how many children they could support? Seems like the formula would go something like this:

M(unemployed mother) + D(meager income dad) – bc(birth control) = 12(dirt-ball kids)

When you decide to get married and raise a family, seems to me that you should have a plan to cover the ensuing expenses. I’ve never tried to fly to Hawaii without money. I’ve never been to a grocery store without having some means of buying groceries. When you are eating cereal with a fork in order to save milk, something’s wrong.

The root of this problem is that they live in Arkansas. That’s right, the butt crack of America. The home of the toothbrush, not teethbrush. The place where inbred families are relocated. The state that is so poor, the poor man’s department store, Walmart, even found a home for their headquarters. The place so dirty, the mascot for their state university is a pig.

This place is a modern day, voluntary penal colony. Yet despite this, the U.S. Census Bureau projects Arkansas as one of the fastest growing populations by 2030.

I predict that the stupid people problem is only going to get worse if the Census Bureau is correct. A state full of Lavonne Drummonds would never be compensated.