Negative Nicknames

The Washington Redskins mascot has been scrutinized for years, but it seems that the Redskins controversy has risen to a whole new level lately ever since Bob Costas verbalized his views on national television.  

I can understand the viewpoint of those in favor of a name change.  It could be insensitive to some.  It could even be offensive.  But what I don't understand is why the Redskins seem to be the only team in the crosshairs of the public's eye.  Most of the mascots in the National Football League could be deemed as offensive, if not now, certainly in the future. 

Here's a list:

New York Jets:  September 11, 2001 will always be a day that weighs heavy on the minds of Americans.  However, the country will always be reminded of the projectiles used to carry out so much devastation due to a mascot that is certain to bring nightmares to those directly affected by the tragedy.  Ironically, this event took place in the very city that the Jets represent.

New York Giants:  Mayor Bloomberg should find this one offensive.  He is outspoken about his goal to curb obesity, but fails to recognize that the Giants nickname could be offensive to the morbidly obese.

Green Bay Packers:  how has the LGBT community not attacked this one yet?  While "Packers" is derived from a completely different source, meat packing and fudge packing has a completely different connotation nowadays.

Kansas City Chiefs:  the mascot may not be offensive, but isn't the color scheme for the team a representation of what the Oneida tribe finds offensive with the Redskin mascot?

Arizona Cardinals:  with all the corruption within the Catholic Church, especially amongst its leaders with the way young boys are treated, I am really surprised that victims of child molestation haven't looked to the Arizona Cardinals as an opportunity for making a quick and easy dollar.

Carolina Panthers:  the fact that the Panther on the side of the helmet is black speaks volumes.  The Black Panthers were an extremely racially charged group.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  the NFL is going to extreme measures to clean up criminal activity off the field by those who represent the NFL community.  Having a mascot that represents criminal behavior seems quite counterintuitive.  

Oakland Raiders: see above.  Except, in this case, the mascot gives the city an accurate depiction.

San Diego Chargers:  how are the Christians not offended by this one?  John the Baptist's head was carried on a charger.  Therefore, a charger could be a representation of Christian persecution.

New England Patriots:  the Patriot Act has really been a sore spot in conservative circles.  Since the revelation from Eric Snowden about the NSA, the conservatives have felt betrayed by their former president,  George W.  The Patriot Act sure seems like a bad idea now, at least poorly thought out.

Buffalo Bills:  Buffalo Bill Cody got his nickname from a buffalo killing contest with William Comstock.  The winner would be able to claim the "Buffalo Bill" nickname.  Cody killed 68 buffalo to Comstock's 48.  How has PETA and anyone else concerned about the buffalo population not offended by this mindless and unnecessary slaughter of buffalo?

Baltimore Ravens:  the Ravens mascot is named from a poem written by Edgar Allen Poe.  Any association with Poe should be deemed offensive.

Dallas Cowboys:  who killed the Redskins?

My point is that no matter the team nickname or mascot, people can find something offensive about it, if not now, soon.  If this wacky society continues to fail to look past petty differences, or develop thick skins, the only real solution would be to get rid of mascots and nicknames altogether and refer to the teams simply by the city.  

Parental Advisory

I work in a position where I have the opportunity to interview many people for job openings that may exist in my department.  I have even hired some of those applicants that I have interviewed.  Every interview has been unique, but one in particular was extremely startling.

He approached me with his application and said he had an interview that morning.  My interview calendar was empty that morning so I asked him what he was interviewing for.  Without hesitation, he called his mom to find out who the interview was with and for what position.  Further questioning revealed that his mother filled out the application.  He was 33.

If you are familiar with "helicopter parenting", you have probably already made that connection.  For those unfamiliar with that term, it is a parenting style in which parents act as helicopters over their children.  They hover over them, rescuing them at every turn.  They interfere with every aspect of the child's life that the child fails to experience overcoming failure for themselves.

Helicopter parents have always existed, but there seems to be an epidemic with the current generation.  I observed it in high school, college, and now in the work place.  

My immediate thought after this experience was turned toward the long term effects that it has on the lives of those children.  In this case, a 33 year old had become so crippled from the damaging affects of dependency on his parents that he couldn't even fill out a job application.  Independence would have been much too overwhelming for him.

I wonder how many of these children, after being pushed out of the nest, turn to the easiest source of dependence outside of the home.  How many of them turn to the welfare system as their primary source of help?  Is it any wonder that they feel entitled to these programs?  

Once in a while, there comes a child that finds a way to overcome this.  I recently read about Aubrey Ireland, a college senior, who was granted a restraining order against her parents.  This article made me think about a story with much more historical significance.  

In 1776, the United States signed its own restraining order against England.  Think about all the "children", or dependent countries that Great Britain had control of at the time.  One of the children got fed up with it and did something about it.  

It is too bad that such a high percentage of victims of "helicopter parenting" fail to declare their own independence.  Perhaps if they had someone to depend on for their freedom, they would actually get it, someone like their parents.

Not So Civil War

As we commemorate the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Antietam, it would only be appropriate to see how far we have come from the bloodiest day in American history.  

On September 17, 1862, Union and Confederate forces met in Maryland and by the end of the day, more than 23,000 casualties had been reported.  Of course the Union would eventually go on to win, but the scars that this ugly war had left would become the very blueprint for the war we are fighting today.  

Depending on who you ask, the Civil War was fought for one of two reasons—states rights and slavery.  There was an economic issue and a social issue.  Both the Confederates and the Union were right, but at the same time, they were both so wrong.  Because they were stubborn and unwilling to compromise, both sides relinquished what little dignity they had left and resorted to primitive forms of persuasion.  The lead slinging went on for a few years, claiming more than a million lives, until a "compromise" was reached.

The irony of the current situation is that it is no different than it was 150 years ago.  The division between the republicans and the democrats is wider and more defined than they have ever been.  The fight is still over economic issues and social issues.  A quick peek into those issues and you will quickly realize that both sides are right, and at the same time, both sides are so wrong.  The only difference is the projectiles that are being shot at one another.

The social issues that are at the center of the rift are same sex marriage and abortion.  Democrats say both should be legalized while republicans say to ban them both.  How about a compromise?  Legalize them and tax the both so heavily it would discourage anyone from taking part in them.  Or better yet, let the respective states decide what they want to do.  Wasn't that one of the issues that sparked the Civil War to begin with?  Yet, these social issues continue to find its way to the forefront as major issues in this election cycle.

Economic issues will always revolve around policies that encourage either capitalism or socialism.  While both sides are quick to point out the inefficiencies of their economic counterparts, they fail to recognize the flaws of their respective views.  Republicans point out that the outrageous spending is spiraling this country into financial oblivion.  Democrats point out that the current economic turmoil took place under the republicans watch.  The result is two political parties giving each other the silent treatment and a war being fought by airing political propaganda slandering and demeaning one another.  Is this really that much different than the war fought 150 years ago?

And as if the political division weren't similar enough, the geographical rift eerily parallels one another.  Take a look at the 2008 electoral map compared to the map of the United and Confederate States of America 150 years ago.  The division between the red and the blue east of the Mississippi paints the obvious picture of how little we have changed.  

I guess the best way to remember the sesquicentennial of the Battle of Antietam is by reenacting its events.

Worldwide Football

Because the Olympics and the NFL training camps schedules coincided, much of the chatter in the sports world revolved around the two.  The question of American football as an Olympic sport has been brought up in the past, and it will continue to be a topic for debate in the future.

Besides the Sarconomist's absolute disdain for any team sport making its way into the Olympics, there are other reasons for pessimism that such an event would ever occur.

The first step for such an unlikely scenario to occur would be for football to become a worldwide sport.  Everyone that I have ever talked to about the topic are quick to point out the sheer expense of the sport.  From pads and salaries to training facilities and infrastructure, it is easy to see how such an undertaking would be overly aggressive and fiscally irresponsible.  

My biggest concern would be that of education.  Most sports in the Olympics require no manual to understand.  Anyone can watch soccer for the first time and within five minutes, they will have a basic understanding of how the game is played.  Same is true for basketball, baseball, water polo, handball, lacrosse, and checkers.

I spent several weeks trying to teach a Chinese man the basics of football.  I failed.  The complexities of the game and its rules were to much for him to comprehend.  Add in the fact that the individual nuances of the game are complicated enough to make Bobby Fischer's head spin, and my student completely lost interest by the time I got to defense.  

Football in its primitive form played more like rugby than what we are familiar with.  The evolution of the game has created a set of rules that are far more complex than any other sport.  We had the advantage of being raised in it and we understand it as if it were a second language.   Football has essentially become a chess game on green grass.  Individual pieces with a completely different skill sets create the ultimate team sport.  Teaching foreign athletes this concept would be monumental task.  Educating the prospective fans would be borderline impossible.  

If the world is somehow able to overcome that hurdle and the popularity of the sport pushed it into the Olympics, it would be a short lived stint.  Softball was yanked as an Olympic event because the U.S. team kept winning, seemingly toying with the rest of the world.  No competition meant no excitement or purpose for having the event altogether.  If Michael Phelps found the fountain of youth, I'm sure his events would be excluded at some point as well.  

And then there is the time issue.  Trying to cram a football tournament into two weeks would be next to impossible.

Essentially, the introduction and reintroduction of football to the rest of the world would be like the path that 3D TV has taken.  Introduced, reintroduced, and rereintroduced, and it has failed every time.  History can only repeat itself so many times.

Obama only Partially Socialist

With tax season coming to close, my thoughts began to turn to how unsocialistic Obama may be. Perhaps a far fetched idea, but hear me out.

If you were filing your taxes in 1800, the process would be extremely simple, you wouldn’t because there were no income taxes until 1913, and even then, you would only pay taxes if you were in the top 1% of wealthy people. Over the years, the government has taken advantage of income tax and taxed everyone to the point that “tax freedom day” was sometime in May, in other words, you spent half the year working for Uncle Sam, and the other half of the year paying off your credit cards from Christmas past.

Over the last few years, there have been more and more tax credits available to the point that many people get their money back. In fact, and average family of four, filing jointly, and making $50,000 would essentially not be paying any income taxes. How you may ask?

Consider this: With the standard deduction and four personal exemptions, only $24,000 would be taxable, which means they would pay $2,769 in federal income taxes. Child tax credits would give you $1,000 per child and the Making Work Pay credit would give you another $800. After these credits, you just made $31 for filing your taxes.

It is estimated that more than half of the households filing for taxes won’t be paying any federal income tax.

Now you’re probably asking yourself how this makes Obama less socialistic.

Under pure capitalism, if you made $50,000, you would take home $50,000. Under the current tax laws, if you make $50,000, you would take home $50,000. A good portion of it changes hands about a dozen times, but in the end, you get your money back.

So instead of saying that Obama is socialist, I would say he is only socialist to the 25% of the people who sit at the top of the money-making totem pole. So he is only about 25% socialist.

Census Conspiracy?

Disclaimer: The following blog contains material that may or may not be found by some to be liberal, off-colored, or otherwise offensive. If you think you may be offended by some of the messages that are contained herein, click here.

Since the beginning of the year, the census has been a hot topic with several people that I have come in contact with. In each case, they were concerned with the unconstitutional nature that they feel the census has been drawn. They all said that the government has no business knowing how many cars were parked outside their homes, how much money they were making, what race they were, and that the government has no right to GPS track them. All the government needed to know was how many heads lived under the roof at their respective houses.

In conversing with each of these acquaintances, I kept quiet, listening to their statements in order to understand where they were coming from in order to formulate my own opinion. After much time ruminating on the matter, the Sarconomist’s opinion is now concocted.

The irony in each of these conversations is that their expressed concerns were relayed to me almost verbatim, which tells me that they probably all read the same web site. Having that in mind, that sounds like an advertisement goldmine.

In each of these cases, none of them read the actual census. In each of these cases, their spouses filled out the census. And in each of these cases, they were miffed at their spouses for filling out the census.

First of all, GPS tracking them? Are you kidding me? Do they really think they are that special that the government has to track them? If they are, I would like to know what exactly they did to receive that special treatment.

If they really don’t think they are that special, they must just simply be paranoid, in which case I’ll just say that if you really want another copy of “Catcher in the Rye”, I’ll find one for you.

After filling out the census, unless it was written in fine print in Mexican, I never came across a question inquiring about my cars or income, and there certainly was no way of GPS tracking me through the mail.

The words of a certain wise man come to mind. Kennedy William Gordy once said that he always felt like somebody was watching him.

Buffalo Springfield also said that paranoia strikes deep, Into your life it will creep. It starts when you’re always afraid….

Those who completely disagree with the census obviously have no statistical background. I say this with absolutely no reservation. The census provides statistics based on a population size rather than a mere sample, which means more accurate statistics. Now, instead of estimating that roughly 5-75% of the American population is of wetback origin, we can safely say that 27.35% of the population is of Hispanic roots.

Since most of the census conspiracy theorists are probably hard-core right-wing conservatives, they probably failed to hypothesize the purpose of all these nosey questions, unless they really are special or paranoid. Perhaps border patrol is too late, and this provides a better solution to reverse the problem than to just stop it. As quirky as that sounds, it makes more sense than anything you will ever come up with.

In closing, may I just mention that had James Madison lived in an era in which he was able observe the ethnically diverse melting pot that the United States has become, I’m sure in the spirit of the constitution, he would have included a “race clause” in the section about the census.

I’m open to listening to conspiracy theories, as long as it has substantial evidence, and as long as I’m interested in listening, but this is one that crosses the line in my book.

Authentic Pride, or Fabricated Pride?

1932 was the last time the United States won the medal count at a Winter Olympics. Coincidentally, it was the only time the United States had ever led the final medal count. This seemingly appalling statistic has led the U.S.A. to the drawing board to find a solution.

There were two possibilities over the last 78 years that would provide the U.S.A. a chance to get back to the top. First, we could just get better at the current Olympic events. This would require a little bit of training, practicing, skill, and talent. Seems like too much work for me.

So then the U.S.A. took a look at option number two. If we introduce a bunch of new events into the Winter Olympics before the other countries can get good at them, we have a chance at winning more metals. The results have been nothing less than spectacular.

Sort of.

Basketball became an Olympic event years ago, and who won gold every year? That is until, well I won’t go there. Softball was dominated by us, that is until, we won’t go there.

So for the winter Olympics, we make snowboard half-pipe an event, and we dominate—only until Shaun White calls it quits. Then we have to come up with some new event that the rest of the world has never heard of.

The way I see it, a century from now, there will be almost as many events as the population of Indonesia, hardly making the achievement of being there admirable.

My solution is to filter out the unnecessary events through a logical approach.

First of all, eliminate all events that are based on the opinions of the judges. Goodbye figure skating, ice dancing, gymnastics, moguls, diving, synchronized diving, synchronized swimming, and the list goes on. Why? It just opens the door for controversy. Ask Evgeni Plushenko.

Second of all, eliminate sports. Sounds absurd until you understand the difference between sport and game. The simplest way to define the difference is that you physically play defense in a sport. Football is one third defense. Basketball, though debatable, plays defense. Soccer, hockey, field hockey, and just about all those other team sports that are awarded a metal for preventing the other competitors from maximizing their talent should be eliminated.

These are the Olympic Games. These individuals are here to showcase their talents, skills, and hard work, not prevent others from doing so.

Inspired to fail

If any of my readers are at all like me, you may be tired of all the inspirational sports movies that Hollywood has barraged us with in recent years. To be completely honest, I haven’t watched “Blindside”, “Rudy”, or “Hoosiers”, but I have seen “Remember the Titans” and “Coach Carter”. It just seems to me that there are only so many inspirational story lines to go around before you’ve seen it all.

In the aftermath of Super Bowl XLIV, I can’t but help to imagine the movie that is going to come out in five years about New Orleans and the ensuing “Seabiscuit” story line that will dupe us into thinking that New Orleans is a great American city. That’s right, it’s only a matter of time before “Invictus II: XLIV” comes to a big screen near you.

And how much inspiration have these movies actually garnered in the lives of the people who view them? After watching “Miracle”, I played racquetball against a much better opponent and still got slaughtered.

After watching “Cool Runnings”, I lost by almost two minutes in the 400 meter hurdles.

Before a golf tournament, I watched Tiger Woods’ top 10 shots of his career in an effort to at least help myself think that I had a chance at not coming in last place. The result, 2nd to last place by 2 strokes.

I was set up to fail by the empty inspiration that Hollywood fed to my already sunken morale. It’s just a matter of time before this instant classic does the same for you.

Tiger Woods: smart genius, or smartest genius?

With the news that has been hovering around Tiger Woods and his several extra-marital affairs, much talk in the news surrounding Tiger Woods has revolved around his endorsements. While most have only mentioned his foolishness in squandering his multimillion dollar marketing campaigns, they have also failed to realize that Tiger Woods is a brilliant marketing genius.

In a recession, everyone figures out new ways to cut costs. Gatorade already had plans of dumping the expensive Tiger brand. General Motors dumped Tiger Woods months ago. If the recession turns into the feared double-dip recession, it will only mean one thing, Tiger Woods and endorsements will be extinct.

I did mention brilliant marketing genius didn’t I?

During a recession, statistics show that people are generally more happy with life. How is that possible when there is more financial stress and work related stress? The answer is that people generally have more sex during times of economic recession and depression.

This phenomenon has me wondering if Tiger Woods may simply be saying “goodbye” to Accenture, Nike, and Gillette in order to say hello to the likes of Trojan, NuvaRing, and Yaz.

Since the consumer is also looking for ways to cut costs, postponing families are a logical route. So is his downfall really a result of his stupidity, or is it a play on the economic future of the country?

Poor class, middle class, rich class, and the fourth class

How many of you have had the opportunity to observe someone who is part of the ever-growing dolt class? People of this class is sprinkled throughout each of the social classes, but eventually become permanent fixtures of the poor class because of their own self-stupidity. In all likelihood, you know someone who is reaping the benefits of their own foolishness, or you know someone who is in that process.

The dolt class is the guy who rides his bike to the convenient store everyday to buy a lottery ticket because he can’t afford to buy a car.

The dolt class is the guy who goes from riches to rags, then back to riches, then back to rags. Donald Trump.

The dolt class is the person who pulls out all their money from investments to retire early and buys a bunch of overpriced wasteland in Southern Utah, then tries to resell it for the same price in the middle of a recession.

The dolt class may or may not count their pennies, but where the pennies go after that is unknown.

The dolt class somehow got a job, but that paycheck was spent four months ago.

The dolt class isn’t necessarily a victim of their monetary maladroit, but rather their logical ineptitude.

One poor judgment doesn’t enshrine one into this prestigious class, but a series of ill-advised decisions simply immortalize this class’s distinctiveness.

These are the rich that fail to get richer, and the poor that get poorer.

These are the eight out of 10 NFL players who go broke within two years of retirement.

These are the people who buy season tickets to see the Mariners, yet complain about the overpaid baseball players.

These are the people who prevent this country from being the wealthiest and most productive country in the world.

These are the people who, upon reading this, tell themselves that they aren’t a part of this social stratum, then play World of Warcraft for the next 10 hours.

In essence, if financial progression is not numbered with your personal objectives, you are probably a part of this ever self-oppressed society called the dolt class.

Obama = survival of the unfit

In a world in which “survival of the fittest” has been the underlying principle and reason for success, failure, and living, Obama’s plans and policies have made an attempt to defy the age-old principle that has built this world. He’s attempting to revamp the phrase to “survival of the fit, unfit, and those that can’t fit”. Will they work? Absolutely not. Here’s why.

Many people compare Obama to Robin Hood because he is trying to make things better for the poor at the expense of the rich. Obama’s health care plan not only benefits the poor at the expense of the rich, but it also helps the alien, legal as well as illegal. Last time I watched Robin Hood, he didn’t help any Mexicans.

The Mexicans come up here because the potential for quality of life is better, given the better health care system, better farms, and better trailers. Now offer them money to buy a trailer, and free health care, we will soon become overrun with Mexico’s unwanted.

The only option for the proud citizens of the United States would be to head north, where not everyone benefits from less than stellar health care, and taxes would only be about 45%. Too good to be true. This is truly where only the fit survive.

If you are going to attempt to create a socialist environment without screwing everything up, you must first become illegal, like Robin Hood. Perhaps Obama fits that mold since I’m sure his income exceeds the qualifications to live in government housing. You know he’s cheating the system somehow.

If you want the support of your citizens, you’ll have to sacrifice the support of the Mexicans. Just build a giant wall like they have in China. As Colbert once said, you don’t see any Mexicans in China. Send the illegals back home. This will open up jobs on farms and for landscapers that 9.5% of the population would appreciate.

As of right now, the only thing preventing socialism from taking full affect is the rich class. These wealthy, educated people don’t want their money taken away, nor the means by which it was accomplished. The only way around it is to not tax them. This means the middle class is going to be taxed to support the poor. Will this idea prove to be kosher with the middle class? Why not? Most of them hove no idea where their money is going. They just work and pay bills.

The only way socialism would work right now is by letting the rich play their survival of the fittest game, while allowing the poor and middle class to merely survive.

dog's life>human life?

With the recent suspension of Donte’ Stallworth, I began to think about all the suspensions that have taken place over the past couple years in the NFL. Since Roger Goodell has taken over as the commissioner of the NFL, he has handed out suspensions like a pharmacist hands out drugs, and with good reason. I don’t believe that manslaughter should go unpunished. However, I do feel that some of these suspensions are out of whack.

Michael Vick has been a hot topic lately as he is returning to the NFL after a two-year suspension. As if that wasn’t long enough, he is suspended for another six games to begin this season. All he did was kill dogs. Donte’ Stallworth plead guilty to vehicular manslaughter, and is only suspended for one season. If the penalty were proportionate to the crime, Roger Goodell’s punishment is saying, “tis better for man to die than man’s best friend”.

His suspension of Marshawn Lynch raised an eyebrow of mine. As a Buffalo Bills fan, I expected nothing less than a four game suspension just to stay in line with all the other suspensions that Roger has handed out for minor infractions. His three game suspension for carrying an unlicensed handgun made me wonder how much of it has to do with his partiality towards the Buffalo Bills. Roger Goodell is from western New York and the Bills need every advantage they can get in order to have a chance at the playoffs. Could this be a show of mercy on the part of the commissioner?

Plaxico Burress has made headlines of his own during this off-season. In a New York City night club, he supposedly dropped his gun, and while in mid-air, somehow went off and shot his leg. From what I’ve read, it sounds as if it was a Glock 23. Glocks are illegal to carry in New York whether you have a concealed weapons license or not. If you know nothing about Glocks, all you need to know is that the only safety that the handgun has is a trigger safety, which means the gun will not fire unless your finger is actually pulling the trigger. This leads me to believe that there is more to the story than a fumbled handgun.

Following the accident, his teammate, Antonio Pierce, took him to the hospital where he provided false information as to their names and how it happened. Under most circumstances, this would be considered a felony. Despite all this, Plaxico and Antonio have not been disciplined by the NFL. The message being sent, “if you are going to carry an illegal firearm, use it”.

Perhaps Roger Goodell is just a Giants fan.

While I admire that Roger Goodell has taken a more proactive approach to ensure that the NFL maintains a clean image than Paul Tagliabue, I’m afraid that his efforts just aren’t enough. You can take the gangster out of the slum, but you can’t take the slum out of the gangster. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, so you kill it. Just ask Michael Vick. If someone has a history, give them one chance.

In a sport in which the players are idolized by the future of this world, the last people that should receive such glory are criminals that never learn.

Stupid People Should Never Breed

In Arkansas, Lavonne Drummond posted one of the more unusual auctions on ebay, the right to name her unborn child. Due in September, she is hoping to raise $25,000. It sounds like an awesome plan to raise money until you hear the rest of the story. This story has a lot of people upset simply because she is exploiting her unborn child, but I see a myriad of other inconsistencies with her story that should piss even more people off.

Lavonne is the mother of six at the age of 36. Her oldest is 19, which means she got pregnant in high school. Chances of her actually finishing high school? Slim. Her husband is a Navy sailor stationed in Virginia and he apparently doesn’t even know about this entrepreneurial opportunity yet.

She posted this auction because she says in an economy like this, and with that many children, day care is too expensive. If I had a 19, 16, and 14 year old, I would have plenty of day care options. As the oldest of four, I was the first option for my parents as soon as I turned 12.

Her gayvy Navy sailor’s income isn’t enough apparently. It was enough for the two of them and their six children, but now that he’s gone, with one less mouth to feed, it’s not enough. Makes perfect sense to me.

On top of that, with his low income, I’m sure they qualify for Medicaid, and his military benefits mean that they will pay close to nothing for the birthing process. That $25,000 will be tax free, and technically doesn’t count as income, so it wouldn’t affect her status with food stamps and all her other welfare fountains.

With the $25,000 that she raises, her plan is to buy a new “trustworthy” car. Are you kidding me? Child exploitation for a new car? Any car that you buy brand new doesn’t qualify as trustworthy in my book.

With that $25,000, her first purchase should be birth control. For stupid people, seven children are seven too many. Stupid people shouldn’t breed.

She says that she enrolled at South Arkansas Community College where she hopes to get a degree in radiology. If she can’t afford child care for a 19, 16, 14, 3, 2, and 1 year old while working, how does she expect to be able to pay for their day care while in school? With the $25,000? That went to a car. How’s she paying for college, with her kid’s lunch money?

If a couple gets married, how difficult is it to manage their income? How difficult is it to decide how many children they could support? Seems like the formula would go something like this:

M(unemployed mother) + D(meager income dad) – bc(birth control) = 12(dirt-ball kids)

When you decide to get married and raise a family, seems to me that you should have a plan to cover the ensuing expenses. I’ve never tried to fly to Hawaii without money. I’ve never been to a grocery store without having some means of buying groceries. When you are eating cereal with a fork in order to save milk, something’s wrong.

The root of this problem is that they live in Arkansas. That’s right, the butt crack of America. The home of the toothbrush, not teethbrush. The place where inbred families are relocated. The state that is so poor, the poor man’s department store, Walmart, even found a home for their headquarters. The place so dirty, the mascot for their state university is a pig.

This place is a modern day, voluntary penal colony. Yet despite this, the U.S. Census Bureau projects Arkansas as one of the fastest growing populations by 2030.

I predict that the stupid people problem is only going to get worse if the Census Bureau is correct. A state full of Lavonne Drummonds would never be compensated.

Bankruptcy, stupid's best friend

If any of you have seen the Misery Index, an index that tracks the people affected by foreclosure or bankruptcy throughout the recession, you’ll notice that Nevada is the worst state to live in. One out of every 20 people living in the state suffered from such an event.

Bankruptcy is a process that will never make sense to me. Buy all the crap you want and then tell the bank you don’t understand why you just don’t seem to have enough money to support the extravagant lifestyle. It’s like a prostitute who doesn’t understand why she has crabs.

Someone I work with said it’s easy to become a millionaire. The way he did it? He took out loans, bought a bunch of cars, a massive house, and lots of other toys he had no business purchasing with his measly income. His mathematical formula for millionairism? Value of brand new truck, plus value of brand new Mercedes, plus value of brand new bullet bike, plus value of brand new ski boat, plus value of brand new house in the bay area, plus positive cash in bank accounts. Therefore it is easy to become a millionaire based on the assets that you accumulate.

The hard part was when he moved to Idaho. He didn’t sell the house for as much as he was hoping for and he lost about $15,000 on each of his five cars and trucks. The result, he picked up smoking to alleviate the stress. Good thing he picked up a cheap hobby. He could have picked up sky-diving but he went with the more cost efficient hobby.

On the other hand, some people don’t necessarily file fore bankruptcy because they lived the extravagant lifestyle. It’s because they just suck at managing their money. Another douche bag I work with told me his mother-in-law had to file for bankruptcy because her hours had been slightly reduced. Understandable I suppose until you realize that she lives in a house with two other families, and she only pays a third of the rent. She shares two cars with the other families in the house.

One of the families in this house is this particular douche bag. Money management skills must be hereditary because he is headed down the same road as his mother-in-law. He gets paid management pay, has a second job, sells his plasma, and still never seems to have enough money.

He only pays a third of the rent since his family lives with his mother-in-law, he only has one child, and he doesn’t own any cars, never has. In fact, the only set of wheels that he has ever owned was a Liahona bicycle that was given to him. He doesn’t have life insurance, no health insurance, no 401k, and no savings. In fact, for a while he would pawn off his guitar for $15 and then buy it back later in the week for $25 after he picked up his paycheck so that he would have enough money to put food on the table.

It must suck to be stupid.

The odd thing is that many of the people that file for bankruptcy show up at the bank with their iphone and drive to their hearing in a BMW. The poor money management skills aren’t a result of the economy; it’s greed, laziness, and ultimately self-stupidity.

Remember Bernie Madoff? He appeared to be worth a lot more than he really was. He lived a lavish lifestyle, and when it finally caught up to him, he received 150 years of free government housing. He lived a lie.

Those who ultimately file for bankruptcy are exactly the same. They live a lavish lifestyle that their inadequate income couldn’t support. They live as if they are worth a lot more than they really are. They live a lie just as Bernie Madoff did. Seems to me that the punishment should coincide.

Man on the Moon...in Nevada?

There are a plethora of conspiracy theories floating around regarding Neil Armstrong’s lunar landing and subsequent moon walk in order to disprove the United States’ claim to dominance during the Cold War. Some of the theories of these conspiracy creating hippies make some sense while other theories were derived from Dumb and Dumber. But regardless of the theory, the concept is about as wet as dry ice.

First of all, they say that if you speed up the moon walk video, it looks like an average person running. I happen to work with a guy that works in slow motion, and he looks more like a fart in a whirlwind than a moon walker.

They say that the dune formations from the moon video match with the dune formations somewhere in Nevada. If any of you have ever been around sand dunes, you’ll know that they move around more than a toddler.

They say that the United States made it up so that it could one up the socialists, who had dominated the capitalists up to that point. Good point, but our hockey team still beat theirs. Our amateurs are better than their pros.

They say that the video of the flag in space is flawed because the flag has the appearance that it is waving in a wind free environment. Gravity provides a downward force on the flag. The absence of gravity means the flag floats. Floating flag looks like wavy flag.

Aside from all the components of this conspiracy theory, the main reason I have a hard time believing that we never walked on the moon is the same reason Benjamin Franklin would give. Ben once said that three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

How many people would have to be in on a secret like this and keep silent about it? First there are the actors. Then there are the stunt doubles, extras, cinematographer, his assistants, and the list goes on.

They ask why we haven’t been back to the moon. I’ve only been to Niagara Falls once, and I never went back. Same thing, right?

Actually, Apollo 13 was headed there, and Tom Hanks showed us what happened with that trip. NASA has been granted billions of dollars to send another craft in that direction, but it looks as though they may not need as much money because, of all things, competition. Commercial passenger flights to the moon could be happening as soon as 2012, which means NASA has competition, the same thing it had during the Cold War.

It’s funny to think that the source of motivation for the socialists during the Cold War was competition. Can’t we all just share the thrill of victory?


Next weeks' topic: Bankruptcy

I Control My Guns

One of my favorite lines from a movie comes when a potential juror is asked how he felt about gun control. His response, “The same way I feel about birth control, it don’t work.”

Gun control has been a hot topic for several years. Extremists on both sides are willing to push their ideology, hoping that the other extremists would listen, yet they never seem to listen to themselves.

As a gun owner, I think the whole issue is pure indulgence of passion, unnecessary if they understood what they were arguing about.

From the perspective of the gun zealot, they’re argument is that the gun is used as a means of protecting themselves. They think that carrying a concealed weapon is enough to deter the pocket pickers. These are the people that have lifetime National Rifle Association memberships along with NRA as well as “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” bumper stickers on their 1973 Chevy pickup. These are the people who have gun safes larger than their single wides.

These are the people that complain that there is too much red tape involved with purchasing a firearm. These are the people that buy guns for their first grader, just in case.

I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that every time I get held at gunpoint, I never seem to have a gun that would intimidate the aggressor. Oh wait, I’ve never been held up at gunpoint. Same would be true for about 99% of the population. The point is, why carry a concealed weapon when the chances are that you will never use it?

And if were held at gunpoint, what did you do to piss someone off? Did you flaunt your money? Flash the wrong gang sign?

Second, if I were to carry a concealed weapon, and I were held up at gunpoint, I think the conversation would go a little like this:

“Don’t move or I’ll shoot.”
“Wait a second, that’s not fair, you snuck up on me.”
“Hand me your wallet!”
“Could you give me a second while I unbutton my shirt so that I can get to my gun?”

In browsing different forums, I noticed several people asking for advice on which model of .22 handgun is the best to carry. If I have to defend myself and all I have is a little Ruger, I’m giving up. I’d be better off with a rubber band gun.

And then there is the ever controversial AR-15, a beautiful gun that could put a smile on any man’s face when he’s holding it, even Al Gore. Have you ever looked into the price of owning and practicing such a piece of art? Ammo for the thing is almost $2 a round. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think $2 is worth wasting on killing someone.

My conclusion is that the people who carry heat, and are avid advocates of such activities are the people that like to get into fights. They are the ones that antagonize other groups. If they weren’t, what are they afraid of? The boogeyman?

On the other hand, anti-gun activists sound just as ridiculous. Farmers can’t dig without a shovel, women can’t buy without money, and criminals can’t shoot without a gun.

Eliminate any legal procedure of acquiring a firearm will prevent any criminal from participating in illegal activities. Great thinking there. Posting speed limit signs have always dissuaded me from speeding just a couple miles over the speed limit.

I suppose Caesar had wished he had prohibited knives too. Then Brutus would have no way of assassinating the Roman ruler. He couldn’t use a candlestick, lead pipe, or rope in the ball room.

The solution is simple in my eyes. Enforcement of the death penalty will prevent anyone from illegal activity. It’s too easy today. Shoot someone, plea insanity. Ten years later, your a free man.

I say death penalty for murder. Death penalty for rape. Death penalty for drug trafficking. Death penalty for stealing, embezzling, looting, tax evasion, or any form of felony. If you want to prevent criminal activity, establish stiff punishments, and execute.

For the unemployed, underemployed, underpayed, .....

The unemployment numbers that came out last week created a buzz that even a bee would tire of. The entire focus was on the 9.5% of American workers that have no work. No one talks about the 14% that are underemployed, or the average workweek that has dropped to 33 hours from 36 just a year earlier. I guess the optimist would say that you would be getting overtime in Europe.

There’s a few pieces of advice I could give to those who are unemployed and underemployed. First of all, don’t suck at work. As a typical blue-collar worker, I know which of my fellow employees would be first to go. These future statistics have one thing in common, they don’t work. They just stand around, talk, drink, eat, and surf the internet.

Second, don’t be too lazy to find another job. You know that trailer park about 4 blocks from where you live? Every one of those illegal immigrants have a job. You know that because if they didn’t, they would migrate to Canada. What is it that they are doing? Oh yeah, they work. What got you collecting unemployment? That’s right, you were being paid to talk, text, and watch the Office while you should have been selling paper.

What is it that is preventing you from working on a farm? No internet? I understand that those strawberries get pretty heavy, but breaking a sweat won’t damage your skin to the extent that Mary Kay couldn’t fix it.

My third piece of advice is to get creative. How many of you have been unemployed for more than six months? A year? What do you do during your 24 hours of daily down time, sitting around, texting, drinking and eating, watching The Price is Right? There’s something better to do than watching your soaps. Creativity is what got Bill Gates rich. Creativity is what got Warren Buffet rich.

And speaking of Warren Buffet, the guy seems to have an endless supply of money making ideas. He auctioned on Ebay the opportunity to eat lunch with him. $1.8 million later, some Canadian with a job has a lunch date with the world’s richest man.

Perhaps you could auction off time with yourself. Lunch, dinner, bed, there has to be something. Your life can’t be that pitiful, can it? I guess that’s why you are unemployed.

Kyle MacDonald’s creativity basically got him a free house. He started out with a single red paper clip and through a series of trades, eventually landed himself in a house in Canada. The house looks crappy, but it’s better than the single wide that you are currently sporting.

One of the most creative ideas came from the man who created the NASDAQ. Bernie Madoff created $65 billion dollars out of nowhere. His ponzi scheme that stole billions of dollars from investors landed him in jail for 150 years. He’s serving one year for every $430 million he stole. How many of you would be willing to serve for one year for that much money. Then do it.

There’s another person I know that just gets free stuff ad resells it. He recently sold a couch that was given to him for $50. That couch was replaced by another couch that was given to him.

That principle reminds me of the stock market. Buy something cheap, sell it for more expensive, make a few dollars.

My final piece of advice is to quit blaming everyone else. Potential employers don’t want to hear about how you were screwed by the guy that occupied the cubicle next to yours. They aren’t going to want to hear about how you were just a victim of the poor economy. They don’t want to hear that you sat on your recliner for the past 15 months while collecting unemployment.

For those who have jobs, keep in mind that the only thing that is keeping you from becoming another statistic is that there may be someone else that sucks at working more than you, and if there isn’t, keep in mind that you are simply hurting the economy by not contributing to the GDP.

Independence Music

This great weekend has been filled with the aroma of barbeques and fireworks. The sound waves have been filled with the overplaying of pathetic renditions of patriotic music, which led me to do a little research on this music.

First of all, our national anthem has really caught my attention. Our original national anthem was “My Country, ‘tis of Thee”. The lyrics represented the new nation, but the national anthem of the independent country was dependent on the melody of the national anthem of the oppressor.

During the War of 1812, Francis Scott Key, a POW, witnessed an attack on Baltimore that inspired his poem “Defense of Fort McHenry”, which would later become the lyrics for “The Star-Spangled Banner”. “The Star-Spangled Banner” would later become the official national anthem of the United States in 1916, almost 150 years after its so-called independence from England.

The irony of all this is mind numbing. The lyrics had nothing to do with the war for independence, so it makes sense why this song would be associated with Independence Day. The lyrics came from a war that the United States ultimately conceded. That brings out the pride in American patriotism. The tune for this song came from, of all countries, Britain, but the best part of it was that it was a British drinking song.

What better way is there to represent the United States? Singing the lyrics of a lost war to a pub song. That’s called drinking your sorrows away.

The Independence Day tune that raised the first red flag for me came while I was watching a commercial on Discovery Channel. The advertisement for the Greatest Catch featured a crab from several camera angles to the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”.

My initial thought was that the song was a Civil War song, more specifically, the anthem of the abolitionists. Separated by almost a century, the Revolutionary War and the Civil War represented two completely different purposes. The Revolutionary War was to separate the United States, the Civil War was to keep it together. I suppose you could argue that they were both civil wars. The suppressed just happened to win the first one.

If they were both civil wars, then it would make sense to play civil war music on Civil War of 1776 with Favorable Results Day. When is the last time you heard “Dixie” played on Civil War Day though? I guess that effectively eliminates the Civil War Day theory.

If I were to pick a song that would make the most sense for July 4th, it would be “America the Beautiful”. It has nothing to do with 1776. It has nothing to do with war. It doesn’t even have anything to do with independence. It was however, first published as a poem on July 4th, 1895. Entitled Pikes Peak, the poem was set to music in 1910.

The lyrics support the title perfectly. The song talks about The beauty that is found in the United States. That was more than 100 years ago though. George Carlin described America like this:

Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea!

Next year, on July 4th, listen to the music. Don’t be surprised when you hear “O, Canada”.

Michael Jackson, financial genius?

Well, now that everyone has had a week to ruminate over Michael Jackson’s death, I felt that he would be a fairly appropriate topic.  Instead of writing about my memories from the Super Bowl XXVII halftime show, “Billie Jean”, and the first week of this past season of American Idol, his financial situation is the topic that intrigues me.

At the time of his death, Michael Jackson was approximately $400 million in debt.  That’s not a typo.  His financial people said that he was spending $20-$30 million more annually than he was making.  That’s called a stimulus package.  Since he died at the age of 50, Michael Jackson spent about $8 million more than he made each year of his life.  

The United States is about $12 trillion in debt, and it seems that we just continue to increase spending every year.  I guess the theory is that the more you spend, the better you become at it.  Practice makes perfect, right?  

One of his first major purchases took place in 1988 when he bought the property to build his ranch.  His obsession with Peter Pan eventually inspired him to transform that property into Neverland Ranch, where he often housed children and slept in bed with them because it wasn’t inappropriate behavior.  Records show he spent about $17 million for the property, and then who knows how much to build everything, from ferris wheels to bumper cars.  

One of Michael Jackson’s more brilliant financial moves was when he purchased the rights for the Beatles music.  

He blew a ton of money on surgeries and procedures to change his appearance.  Those closest to Michael say that he despised his father, so in an attempt to avoid the appearance of his father, he changed his appearance.  And how many procedures did he undergo?  Michael Jackson hasn’t spoken on the subject in the past couple weeks, but I’m sure the amount of money he poured into the processes were unprecedented.  

While those closest to him place his father as the reason for the changes, I have an alternate theory.  

Coincidence, or obsession?

Then there is the money he spent on prescription drugs to feed his habit.  Not only was he spending tons of money on prescription drugs, he hired a doctor in order to have those prescriptions prescribed.

With $400 million of debt, the plan to pay it off is by selling the rights to the Beatles music, selling off his real estate, and selling off his business ventures.

Perhaps that is the example that the United States government is following.  With all the debt the it has accumulated, the U.S. may opt to sell off its assets.  When Napoleon was the leader of France, he sold America the Louisiana territory to finance his debt.  We could sell it back to France for a couple trillion.

Then we could sell Florida back to Spain for, well with the beaches and Disney World, a couple trillion.  We could sell California to Mexico since the mexicans pretty much own it already.  A couple trillion would be a fair deal.

Since Michael Jackson had converted to Islam, we could sell him, his records, and his family to Iran.  Oh wait, he’s dead.  Dig him up!

Then we could sell our nukes to North Korea.  

So with so many people concerned about the national debt, is this idea a great idea?  Or is it the greatest idea?  

This is the “American Dream”.

One of the more not dumb financial moves that Michael Jackson had made was the life insurance policy he left for his children that may not even be his.  His three children were left about 100 unreleased tracks that were to be released sometime after his death.  Sounds like a source for the financial fountain the Jackson’s are looking for.  

Disclaimer:  If Michael Jackson comes back in seven years like Tupac, let it be known that the Sarconomist boldly made this prediction, July 3, 2009.

Next weeks’ topic:  Bernie Madoff?

It Must Suck to be Good

Ben Bernanke has been under fire because of this recession, only because he is the head honcho of the most powerful organization in the world during the time of the economic crisis.  But what I don’t understand is why people are so quick to point fingers at him when they were the ones taking their money out of the stock market, they were the ones trying to sell their houses, they are the ones that signed the paperwork to buy their houses

All Ben Bernanke did was literally everything he could do.  Under principles of modern Keynesian economics, I’m at a loss of what else he could have done.  He suggested the stimulus package, he lowered interest rates, he purchased U.S. Treasuries and bonds.  The only thing he didn’t do was Billie Jean, but that’s only because she wasn’t his lover, Mark Sanford perhaps?

And speaking of Mark Sanford, who saw that one coming?  He’s only the best governor in the United States with plans to do something presidential in 2012.  He hiked the Appalachian Trail all the way down to Argentina?  At least he’s been truthful. Perhaps not faithful, but truthful.  He’s half of Bill Clinton.

I remember when Mark Sanford first ran for a seat in the House of Representatives years ago.  The commercials that ran on the tube included his wife and children.  He always talked about himself as a family man.  With Mrs. Argentina, I guess he’s more like families man.  

My understanding is that this Mrs. Argentina’s name is actually Maria Belen Chapur and she’s some 43 year old married, but separated hag.  Have you wondered about how he actually met this woman?  According to foxnews.com, she lives next to the zoo.  Pictures haven’t popped up on the internets yet, but I would assume that this one may be pretty close.                                    

So the big topic in the news is how this is going to affect the political scene now and in the future.  People have requested that he step down and resign as governor of South Carolina.  I personally feel that his admission is simply going to help his cause in 2012.  You know his competitors are going to dig up his affair on order keep him from winning.  A loss would be devastating considering he is one of the best politicians of our generation.  But then again, how can you trust someone that has flirted with some international entity?  That's what Benedict Arnold did, and we know how that one ended.

Back to Bernanke.  Can you imagine the mess we would be in if he weren't the money manager?  Not only is the media complaining him now, but he received a lot of flack at the inception of his appointment.  Even the dean of the Columbia Business School, Glenn Hubbard felt he was more qualified.  

So what exactly makes Mr. Bernanke the most qualified for this position? He only wrote the book on economic policy during the Great Depression.

When President Bush appointed him to the position following Alan Greenspan's retirement, do you think he saw the economic downturn coming? Of course he did. Otherwise he would have hooked me up with the job.

My only request is that before you start complaining about his performance, offer suggestions and tips on what he could have done better. I think he would be pleasantly surprised if you could come up with a better solution than he did. After all, he's only the expert on the economic activities of the only economic downturn that would top this one.

Disclaimer: the only unfaithful activity that I am guilty of since I have been married was when I shopped at Kmart despite being part owner of Wal-Mart. I'm such a rebel.

Next weeks' topic: Michael Jackson, a model of the U.S. economy.